Dear TV People,

Look, I know Chelsea are not in Europe now. The players spoke and they voted out. They felt that they’d had enough of UEFA bossing them about and things needed a shake up. They wanted their football club back.

Roman was in agreement. He was fed up with Europe trying to tell him how many English players he needed, and having to adhere to silly financial fair play regulations. But it came as a shock when he realised that we were actually out. Really, really out. He had only meant to teach UEFA a lesson. And unfortunately there was no plan for if this happened. He thought the players would only play crap for a while, not for the whole season.

It’s very thoughtful of you to appease us by televising so many of our matches and we do appreciate the revenue so we can buy lots of overpriced European players who will make you want to televise even more games and give us even more money. Really, we do. But could you perhaps give some thought to not changing them all to evenings? We’ve accepted our #Chexit now. We know that we have to stop whinging and that the other teams won. They keep reminding us. But it won’t do us any good to pretend it’s the Champions’ League when it isn’t. It will just make it more painful. A bit like shopping in Asda and pretending you’re in Fortnum & Masons. It doesn’t work.

Yours faithfully,

Pinky Du Bois


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